Thursday, February 10, 2011

What do you desire?

Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambiton when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at sea. We are far to easily pleased. -C.S. Lewis

I remember being about 8 or 9 years old and my aunt, a teacher, would come and visit and bring with her the most amazing gifts. Not dolls and silly toys but paper. Yes I said paper. Before every home had a printer and reams of paper at their fingertips, my aunt would come through the door with an abundance of paper from her school. I remember the joy that I felt as she lay all the papers infront of me on the table. I couldn't wait to get my hands on it and see what I could create. I didn't know what would become on those blank pages, but the idea that my creations and ideas would become real on those pages before me overwhelmed me. The opportunities in a blank piece of paper excited me.

I knew early on that God had planted a desire for words and paper and writing in my soul. I could see that not every girl my age was so passionate about such things, infact I didn't have any friends who shared that passion. So as I grew, I swept the passion for writing under the rug and only brought it back out when no one was around. Adults would ask what I wanted to do when I grew up and for a long time I told them it was to be an author and write, but overtime I discovered that many people had the same dream and began to think my passion was just a silly dream.

I began to "reshape" my desire to write and create on paper into a more responsible career choice, teaching. I loved kids, I was able to still be around paper and creativity and it seemed a more acceptable answer to those around me when they asked what I wanted to do when I grew up. I didn't understand at the time that I was begining to create my story here on this earth by finding acceptance of my desires from others. That is how we loose our joy. Thankfully, God would help me see this mistake and help me follow the desires he placed within me.

26 years later, that 8 year old girl who got excited about paper and the blank page before her is still there and she wants to come out and play. God placed a desire in my heart and I tried to squish it and make it more acceptable and useful to this world. As I grow to know God more, he makes this desire stronger and reminds me that this desire is one of the things that makes me uniquely me. I am blessed to now not care if anyone finds my passion for writing silly or without practical purpose. The joy I have recieved from personal journaling alone has made this desire worth its weight in gold. God wants us to have follow our desires, he does not wish for us to be passionless and uncreative. Our God is creative and passionful and he placed those same things in us to explore.

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